What is gaslighting and how to protect yourself from it

If you are reading this, perhaps you have been asking yourself for some time whether you are exaggerating, whether you are remembering things wrongly or whether “it’s all in your head”. That constant doubt is no accident: it is exactly the effect gaslighting is designed to produce. In this article we explain what it is, how to recognise it with real examples, when it has criminal consequences and how to gather evidence to protect yourself.

What gaslighting is

The term comes from the play Gas Light (1938) and its film adaptation, Gaslight (1944), in which a husband tampers with the gas lighting in the house and then denies that it has changed, so that his wife will believe she is losing her mind. In Spanish people also speak of hacer luz de gas.

It is not an argument or a one-off disagreement. It is a pattern sustained over time with three features:

• Denial of reality: the abuser denies having said or done something that really did happen.
• Discrediting: he attributes your reactions to your being “overdramatic”, “crazy”, “too sensitive” or “unstable”.
• Dependence: little by little he convinces you that only he has the correct version of things, and you stop trusting your own judgement.

Specific examples of gaslighting

These are situations that come up frequently in the cases that reach our office:

• “That never happened, you’re making it up”, about an insult or a shove you remember clearly.
• Hiding things (keys, documents, your phone) and then hinting that you have memory problems.
• “Nobody’s going to believe you, everyone knows what you’re like”, to put you off telling anyone what is happening.
• Rewriting an argument: you end up apologising for something he did.
• Telling relatives or friends that your “nerves are in a terrible state” to isolate you and undermine the credibility of anything you say.
• Deleting messages from a shared phone and denying they ever existed.
• Alternating contempt and affection so that you doubt whether there really is a problem.

How it differs from emotional manipulation in general

All gaslighting is emotional manipulation, but not all emotional manipulation is gaslighting. Emotional manipulation covers blackmail (“if you leave me, I’ll hurt myself”), guilt-tripping, playing the victim or silence as a punishment. What is specific to gaslighting is that it attacks your perception of reality: it does not just want you to do something, it wants you to doubt what you have seen, heard or experienced.

If you want to look more closely at the other forms of manipulation, we recommend our guide on how to spot emotional manipulation in an abusive relationship.

Is gaslighting a criminal offence in Spain?

The Criminal Code (Código Penal) does not contain an offence called “gaslighting”. However, the conduct may fall within several criminal offences when it occurs within a couple or former couple:

• Habitual abuse (art. 173.2 CP): punishes anyone who habitually inflicts physical or psychological violence on their partner or former partner, with imprisonment of six months to three years. To establish habituality, the courts look at the number of proven acts and how close together they are in time (art. 173.3), even if they have not been tried before.
• Psychological harm (art. 153.1 CP): causing psychological harm to a woman who is or was the perpetrator’s partner is punishable by imprisonment of six months to one year or community service.
• Minor unjust humiliation (art. 173.4 CP), minor threats (art. 171.4) or minor coercion (art. 172.2), when the manipulation takes the form of insults, threats or preventing you from doing what you want.
• Psychological injury (art. 147 CP), if the manipulation causes a disorder requiring medical or psychological treatment.

To find out more about how this type of abuse is tried, you can read our article on psychological abuse: legal consequences and how to prove it. And if you want to understand the mark it leaves over time, read the long-term psychological effects of gender violence.

Following Organic Law 1/2025, which restructured the courts in stages throughout 2025, these cases are investigated by the Violence against Women Sections of the Courts of First Instance (Secciones de Violencia sobre la Mujer de los Tribunales de Instancia), formerly the Violence against Women Courts (Juzgados de Violencia sobre la Mujer). In Alicante, a complaint will end up in the Violence against Women Section of the Alicante Court of First Instance (Sección de Violencia sobre la Mujer del Tribunal de Instancia de Alicante) or that of the relevant judicial district.

How to document gaslighting

The difficulty with gaslighting is that it happens in private and leaves few visible traces. That is why the key is to record what happens at the time, without relying on your memory, which is precisely what the abuser is trying to weaken.

1. Keep a dated diary. Write down what happened, what was said word for word, who was present and how you felt. Ideally keep it somewhere he cannot access: an email sent to yourself from a new account or a password-protected note in the cloud.
2. Keep messages, voice notes and emails. Take screenshots showing the number or profile and the date, and keep copies off your phone. Do not edit them.
3. Recordings of conversations in which you take part do not, according to the settled case law of the Constitutional Court (Tribunal Constitucional), breach the secrecy of communications, and they can be submitted as evidence. What you must not do is share them.
4. Talk to people you trust. Anyone who has seen you change or has witnessed scenes can give evidence as a witness. We explain this in the role of witnesses in gender violence cases.
5. See your doctor or a psychologist. Clinical reports recording anxiety, insomnia or depressive symptoms, and how they develop, are evidence of psychological harm.
6. Ask for specialist support. In the Valencian Region, the Centros Mujer 24 Horas (900 580 888) offer free psychological, social and legal support.

During the proceedings, the court may commission an assessment from the Comprehensive Forensic Assessment Unit (Unidad de Valoración Forense Integral), and your lawyer may submit an independent expert psychological report. Both help to explain to the court why a victim of gaslighting may have doubts, contradict herself on details or have taken time to report.

What to do if you think it is happening to you

• Trust your records more than the versions you are given. If you wrote it down at the time, it happened.
• Get back in touch with your support network: isolation is part of the mechanism.
• Do not confront the abuser with your evidence: he could delete it or increase his control.
• Consult a lawyer before reporting, so that the evidence is properly prepared and you can assess whether to apply for a restraining order or protection order (orden de alejamiento / orden de protección).
• If the manipulation continues through social media or messages after the break-up, there may also be cyberviolence and online harassment.

Frequently asked questions

Can I report gaslighting alone if there has been no physical violence?

Yes. Psychological violence is a criminal offence when it causes psychological harm (art. 153.1 CP) or when it is habitual (art. 173.2 CP), even if there have been no physical assaults. What matters is being able to prove it: messages, witnesses, medical or psychological reports and a consistent, detailed account. It is advisable to prepare the complaint with a lawyer so that the facts are described accurately and the right investigative steps are requested.

How do I know whether it is gaslighting or we simply argue a lot?

In an argument, each person defends their point of view, but neither systematically denies obvious facts. In gaslighting there is a pattern: what happened is denied, you are labelled crazy or overdramatic and you end up distrusting your own memory. If you feel increasingly confused and isolated and find yourself apologising for things you did not do, that is a warning sign that deserves professional attention.

Can recordings I make of my partner be used as evidence?

Recording a conversation in which you take part does not breach the secrecy of communications according to the case law of the Constitutional Court, so it can be submitted in the proceedings. The original file must be kept, without cuts or edits, and must not be shared. Recording other people’s conversations in which you do not take part, or accessing his phone without permission, may well be unlawful and could harm your case.

What is the penalty for psychological violence in a relationship?

It depends on the facts. A one-off instance of psychological harm to a woman who is or was the perpetrator’s partner is punishable by imprisonment of six months to one year or community service (art. 153.1 CP). If the psychological violence is habitual, the penalty is six months to three years’ imprisonment (art. 173.2 CP), in addition to the penalties for each specific act and a restraining order.

If you recognise yourself in what you have read, you do not have to decide anything today, but you can get information with no obligation. Celeste Pérez Bleda, a criminal lawyer with 20 years of experience, will help you organise your evidence and assess the safest steps through her service defending women who are victims of gender violence. For emergencies, you can call 607 449 491, available 24 hours a day.